


Realise

by rilakumabear



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-08-12 09:17:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7929229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rilakumabear/pseuds/rilakumabear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tumblr Prompt: Send me a “Realize” and I’ll write a drabble about one character realizing they love the other</p>
            </blockquote>





	Realise

Originally [[here](http://rilakumabear.tumblr.com/post/149614109114/eruri-realize)]

~

_Levi, despite everything, knows about love._

_He remembers his mother’s soothing hands, the way she had held him close and kissed him. He remembers how safe he had felt, how the rest of the world seemed to disappear when she wrapped her arms around him. He remembers how his soul felt torn apart when she stopped breathing._

“Don’t think this is going to be any kind of relationship,” Levi growls as Erwin shoves him against the wall. Lips bruised, and eyes glittering, Erwin regards him with a smirk. 

“We’ll see.” 

_Levi remembers Kenny too. He’s not sure if that was love- it sure as hell didn’t feel like it- but he remembers a begrudging respect when he realised how Kenny didn’t have to do anything for him. He remembers the glint of pride when Levi returned to the place they called home, wild-eyed and covered in blood, but clutching a handful of coins. Kenny had given him what love he had, and then he had left._

Erwin brings him a gift from Sina. It’s a small tin of black tea, the dried leaves fragrant and comforting.

“What for?” Levi asks. He ignores his heart, tapping out a staccato beat.

Erwin smiles fondly. “It’s your birthday.”

“It’s a shitty present,” Levi tells him, but Erwin keeps smiling.

_Isabel and Farlan had loved him, Levi knew. He had loved them, too, even if he didn’t always express it properly. He would ruffle Isabel’s hair when she smiled brightly at him, and give Farlan a clap on the back when he did something Levi was particularly proud of. They were an odd family of sorts, but Levi was happy. He loved and was loved in return, and that was enough. Even now, when he thinks of their dismembered bodies, he tries to remember the sound of their laughter._

“Stay,” Erwin asks him one night. Levi ignores him.

“Levi,” Erwin tries again. “Stay.”

“Can’t,” Levi replies. He doesn’t bother trying to think of an excuse, just knows that he can’t bring himself to look at the other man, instead fumbling with his shirt. He pauses when Erwin reaches out to clutch his arm. “I don’t want to,” he lies.

He can’t bring himself to sleep between Erwin’s arms, to feel secure like he did when his mother held him at night. He can’t bear the comparison but it’s there nonetheless. He can’t get used to Erwin, because Erwin will leave like Kenny did. He can’t care for Erwin the way he cared for Isabel and Farlan because one day, inevitably, Erwin will die and Levi will be alone, so alone.

“Stay,” Erwin whispers. Levi pretends not to hear it as he slips out anyway.

_It was harder to love after that. His team came quite close, Levi had to admit. Given more time, he might had smiled at Petra the same way he had smiled at Isabel. Maybe he could have sat Oluo down and talked to him the way he had talked to Farlan. It’s a frequent occurrence in his life to have opportunities ripped away from him, but it never stops hurting any less. Resilience breaks down piece by piece, and Levi wonders if there’s anything left in him at all._

“Levi.”

Erwin’s voice. Levi sits up, scrubbing a hand over his eyes in exhaustion. He doesn’t remember falling asleep.

“You were dreaming. Are you alright?”

Levi doesn’t know. Because Erwin will die like everyone else has, just as sure as the sun will rise. Maybe he’ll be lucky and die first, but in their line of work, nothing is certain. 

“I’m fine,” he says. He’s thrown the blankets off him during his restless sleep, and now he reaches for them, shivering. Erwin sits up, sliding an arm around him.

“What is it?”

“I kept seeing their faces,” Levi mutters. He’s too tired to try and hide it. “Over and over, how they used to smile and talk to me and how their faces turned ashy with death.”

“Oh, Levi,” Erwin murmurs. He cups Levi’s cheek, trying to turn his face towards him, but Levi resists.

“Don’t,” he snaps. “I don’t want to see your face.”

“You’re frightened I’ll end up the same way.”

Erwin always knows. There’s no pity in his voice, and Levi is grateful. Out here, everyone has a sob story.

“It’s just a matter of time,” Levi says. 

“I love you,” Erwin says quietly. He strokes Levi’s hair. “I love you.”

“Don’t,” Levi replies stiffly. “I don’t love you.”

“I won’t promise we’ll always be together,” Erwin continues. “Because I don’t want to make a promise I can’t keep.”

“I know,” Levi says dully. Erwin tilts his chin so their eyes can meet, and this time, Levi doesn’t resist. 

“But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you,” Erwin tells him, and his voice is so firm, so sure, that Levi, despite himself, believes. “I won’t say I’ll do anything and everything for you because I can’t. But I will say I’ll always do what I can for you because I love you.”

“Don’t,” Levi says again. It comes out small and pleading. “Don’t tell me everything’s going to be alright, don’t fucking lie to me!”

“One day I will die,” Erwin says quietly. “I hope it’s after your death, but I won’t make that promise. But that doesn’t stop me from loving you right now.”

Levi’s not sure if he’s crying, but it’s difficult to breathe. He feels like he about to fall, he’s so close to the edge. But still, he resists.

“I can’t promise you forever,” Erwin continues. “But I’ll promise you right now. And all you have to do it accept it.”

Levi thinks about his mother, and Kenny, and Farlan and Isabel and his team, and Hange, and Mike, Moblit, Nanaba-

And Erwin. Erwin with his honest promises, Erwin with his patience and warm smiles and Erwin with his _love_.

Levi’s been teetering on the edge for a while now, unwilling to see what lay beyond his gaze. But really, it wasn’t a long fall down that he had always feared, but rather, a path where Erwin is waiting for him, hand outstretched.

Levi takes it.

fin~

**Author's Note:**

> yeah im not sure this really fulfilled the prompt at all but i hope its ok anon ._.
> 
> (also in case the ending was far too pretentious and vague, basically Levi is terrified of being in love since everyone he’s ever cared for leaves/dies and he also knows that he and Erwin aren’t guaranteed a happily ever after. But Erwin acknowledges it, and instead encourages Levi to make the most of what they have now so. Levi decides he’s ok with that.)
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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